Starting to look like Coco the Clown again so I ventured out onto the streets of Istanbul in search of a barber. Didn’t have to look too hard as there are heaps here. Found a bloke mopping his floor and thought, “You’ll do!”
He waves me over to a chair and proceeds to choke me with some sort of elasticated, Velcro dunny paper. Fu(k me, it’s Sweeney Todd, I’m done for! Fortunately, the nasty looking razor stayed in its stand and an immaculately clean cape gets wrapped around the dunny paper that was then carefully folded over the cape. Out come the clippers and some words that to me sounded like, chilli sauce large Döner, whilst waving three fingers. My arms were securely pinned inside the cape and waving four fingers back was not an option, so I just nodded.
That will be a No.3 on top then, and a number fu(k all elsewhere. Looks like the first day of basic training again. Oh well, it will grow back. Off comes the cape and out come the clippers again to give the sticky out of T-shirt area a bit of a mow. I thought that a small sheep noise at this moment would be witty and amusing. Baaaaa! Almost instant regret as the shearing is finished and Sweeney Todd squirts some sort of aftershave onto a giant cotton wool bud and sets fire to it. He gives it a bit of a shake, I assumed to put it out but the bugger is still burning!! The next bit is like watching the Rural Fire Service doing some back burning. Except, this version includes ear hair as the unwanted undergrowth and a small bonfire roars to life in my right ear! The first fire hazard is extinguished as the beginnings of another bushfire are ignited in the left ear. I spotted a fire extinguisher in the mirror and was about to make a dash for it before the warning level returned to ‘watch and act’.
Next comes out this little round, buzzing thingy to clear out any bits that the inferno failed to consume. Thank fu(k neither got near my nose!
Cape off, Lira handed over and I’m off to the chemist for blister treatment followed by a stress relieving Efes or two!
Sweeney Todd is going to have to mop the floor again!!!