Woke up on our final morning to glassy waters and crystal blue skies, wannabe influencers wafting around on stand up paddle boards desperately trying to convince people that they will never meet, that they must hit a ‘like’ button on their accounts in the hope of never actually needing a real job. For the tiny percentage that will ever earn enough for a Balinese Bintang, I wish you the very best of luck and hope your phone is waterproof!
Back onto Bluewater Express for us and the 3 hour blast back to Serangan. 6, 250HP Suzuki’s and a beer or two made short work of the trip before we were happily awaiting our transport to Uluwatu. All very civil, “Pink Coco for Bear and Jackie” over the tannoy as we make our way sheepishly to our SUV. Thought that a couple of ales would be pleasant for the 1 hour trip so nipped into the little supermarket for provisions. Big mistake as 1 hour morphs to 2 and our driver opts for the 4WD track. Arrived at Pink Coco check-in and bolted for the bladder emptying facilities.
Some of the reviews of this place were a touch edgy but our penthouse suite was well away from any potential room key raffle sessions! Unreal views over the forest to the ocean and perfect serenity. Grabbed a change of underwear and clothes before heading to dinner.
As a chef, I have fairly lofty standards when it comes to things proclaiming to be food. Starters were epic and scoffed, sans evidence. Smoked Butterfish Ceviche and a steamed vongole thingy in some sort of sweet jar were incredible and delicious. Box firmly ticked and looking forward to mains. This sadly became a 180 degree turn from our starters. Confit Duck breast with plum sauce and 24 hour braised octopus on a bed of something looked pretty good if you have never eaten confit duck or octopus. I could have saved a fortune at my local cobbler by having the bloke nail that bugger onto the soles then using the octopus as the shoelaces, fu(k that! Didn’t fancy offending the chef and risking a side of Bali Belly sauce, so nipped over the road for plate of sardines and prawns before bed.
Happy AF that there was no rattle of keys or gentle taps on the door as we snuggled into our pink pillows and a blissful sleep.
Scampered down to the very pink dining room the next morning to fetch tea, coffee and general wakey, wakey bits for J4X. Noticed a lass or two there who looked like they had a sh!tty experience with bees overnight, somehow though, just stung on the lips, looked fu(king ugly and painful, keep an eye out for bees in Uluwatu! Bees heaps: Influencers 0. Also kept a beady eye out for the octopus/duck destroyer then nipped back up 3 flights of stairs to our birds nest, mission accomplished.
Thought that a wander to Uluwatu Beach was a good idea. It was, including the moment that the ticket office relieved us of a handful of Rupiah. Down the dodgy steps we go and wow, the beach. Maybe we are spoiled a little with the best beaches in the world but this is a new low. Barely enough standing room for the thousand or so ticket paying attendees. Way less room when the instagram set have made camp right on the shoreline. A small tsunami soon clears out the first row or two. Waves 50ish: Influencers and idiots 0
Maybe the bar at the end of the beach offers some respite from the cycle-short wearing, trout face, bee sting lip types? No not really, although it did provide some entertainment as an opportunistic member of the local monkey troupe grabbed a wallet and headed for the cliffs. Monkey 1: Influencers 0
Wallets and sunnies secure and not fancying a cliff climb or possession hunt, a return to pink perfection and a shower was the democratically voted option. Off out to dinna with Hazza and Jazza for our last night here. Teju and Temu sound similar, one is cheap, Chinese and generally tacky. The other is an astounding restaurant looking down the valley. Holy crap and thank you beautiful Harri and James for finding this gem, can’t wait to see you in Sydney this Xmas.
Did find an amusing sign in the dunny. Personally, have never found the urge to give the feet a rinse in one of these. Back to our room for a slightly past curfew bedtime!
Gentle uppy up in the morning and the obligatory tea/coffee. Then a last tickle at Bali style, poached eggs on muffins before our 12 noon checkout. Dumped the bags at reception and decided to head for pastures less pink! Ulu Fish Market seemed like a cracking idea, so hopped into a cab in search of sushi and Bintang. Shady, heaps of fans, world class nibbles and icy cold beer, what could possibly go wrong?
10pm flight booked and Google Maps says 1hr to the airport. Have given up listening to Google Maps and guessed a solid 2 hours. Sadly not far wrong, but as the one hour mark passed and remembering the leg crossing distress of the Bintang assisted journey from the Port up here, definitely regretting that seventh beer during the afternoon. Seatbelt now anchored firmly around the knee and avoiding all pressure on the bladder region. Sweats building gently as serious shakes and visual impairment become a concern, bloody Google Maps still says half an hour to go. Seriously starting to lose the will to live as the tiny water bottle in the seat pocket shapes up as a legitimate target. How the hell am I going to discharge the water bottle contents, then 3 large Pilsners and 4 Bintangs via the window without significant spillage or attracting the driver’s attention? Fortunately for all concerned, gentlemen’s behaviour took priority, water bottle still safe for the next passenger and the pointy water faucet remained enclosed. Thank fu(k for a speedy check in and a zoom through to the lounge. Large gin and Tonic please!
Cheers QF44, coming home xxx What an awesome trip xxxx
